Chinese Toilets Part One: Hutong

You knew it was only a matter of time...

OK picture the scene, its early autumn, the air is warm, the sun soft and a light breeze is blowing through the hutong (alleyway), knocking the first leaves of the autumn shed off the trees and onto the street. The picture is lovely, old Chinese men and woman sitting about chatting, young children playing, street vendors selling their wares.

Of course, i haven't noticed any of this because for the last 45 minutes on the subway home from work I have been doing my best Zen Buddhist impersonations to stop myself from wetting my pants! I was absolutely busting beyond anything you can imagine. Half-way through the hutong my bladder gave me a choice, either find a toilet NOW!!!!! or you'll be walking the remaining ten minutes with wet trousers...

Ok, ok, so I've been in China for 3 months now, I've walked through the hutong to the subway maybe 100 times, and I know that every 10 metres there is a public toilet. I know this, not just because I have seen people entering the buildings carrying toilet paper, but because, as you can imagine, in 40 degree heat with that many public toilets in a small area, well, lets just say there is a fragrance that is unmistakable.

I have avoided using these toilets, firstly because they bloody stink, and secondly they are frequented by locals. You see most Hutong houses don't have bathrooms, and so these public toilets aren't so much public as they are communal.

Anyway, so there I stand, either use the hutong toilet, or piss my pants. The choice was obvious...

But given that the sun was still up, and because I'm foreign people tend to notice me, I couldn't wet myself. The hutong toilet it was!

As I entered I realised that rather than using doors, the toilets are designed with a couple of little hallways that turn back on themselves, that way, no one has to touch a filthy door handle, and no-one on the street can see in the toilet area. Upon entering the main chamber, I was almost completely overwhelmed by the stink. I had to close my eyes for a few minutes to stop myself from passing out.

When I opened them, my bladder noticed the urinals on the wall in front of me, and without going into too much detail, I was thankful that I was wearing trousers with a zip and not button fly jeans.

While I was standing there I heard a friendly,

"Ni Hao" (hello)

from behind me. I couldn't turn fully around for obvious reasons, so I just turn my head as far as I could without peeing on the floor, (not sure why this bothered me, the place smelt like someone washed the floor with pee!) but there was no one there... in fact, there was nothing there, nothing at all.

I finished up and turned around properly, again no one there. Unfortunately, before my conscious mind could process what was happening and where the sound was coming from my eyes had already looked down.

staring back at me, in the sort of amazement locals that haven't seen a foreigner up close get, was a lovely chap in full squat, half-way through laying a cable. Toilet paper in one hand, cigarette in the other.

I hadn't noticed due to the smell when I first arrived, but the main chamber was just that, a room about 6 metres by 6 metres, tiled from floor to ceiling and completely empty except the 4 squat toilets in the floor and two urinals on the walls. No cubicles, no sinks, not even an ashtray!!

Oh and not to mention the lovely chap, who by now was finishing off his business and ready to leave with me.

I left, relieved and a little shocked.

I don't know why i was so shocked by it. For many Chinese (usually older or poorer) communal toilets are just a way of life. They don't think about it; at all. Why should they? Why would you waste your thinking on something everyone does, everyday.

Furthermore, who cares if someone is with you while your shitting? I mean really, what sort of weirdo would want to watch someone else take a crap? seriously, you simple go in, do your business and leave. enough said.

How different we are in the west. I can't even poo at work if I hear someone enter the bathroom... and I'm locked, safe and anonymous in a cubicle!! I think the Chinese have it right:

firstly - squat - its healthier for your bowels, and there is no skin contact with any surface
secondly - communal - as the saying goes, 'a community that shits together stays together'

Just to confirm, I have since used several public toilets in china, and none have even come close to the hutong in terms of their communal nature or their smell. All public toilets stink, but that toilet on that day, was something else.

Furthermore, this decline in communal style toilets in China is actually a bad thing. The more they move to more western privacy style toilets, the more they will lose sight of the equality of all people, and so the more they will strive to have more and more, striving to keep up with the Jones's. This will be the end of us all!!

For as the great philosopher Montaigne so eloquently stated,

"Even kings shit!"

anyway, sermon and funny story over!