Hot Springs

Thanks to my work, I spent Tuesday afternoon relaxing at the Beijing No 8 hot springs! what a place, it is the perfect picture of opulence. Marble, lush fabrics expensive couches, all manner of spas, sauna's, steam rooms, man beauty products (including milk and honey massages). What a place and all for nixs.

Of course, like all things Chinese, this place is not for the faint of heart. I mean I'm no stranger to weird situations surrounding hot springs, after all I have been party to the weird 'cleanliness' assessments at the Blue Lagoon in Iceland, but this takes the cake.

The hot springs are all nude. Something I only discovered after the change room attendant not only informed me casually, 'bath, no clothes, no clothes', but also decided to he would assist me in striping naked by pulling off my pants for me... very weird. Obviously I was slightly taken a back by this hands on approach, and so flustered kind of bolted from the attendants reach into the hot springs area, only to be chased by him waving a pair of cotton 'hygienic' undies above his head. Needless to say the other very naked Chinese men in the spring thought this hilarious, and then thought it side splitingly funny when the attend then proceeded, without clear consent I may add, to dress me in the cotton undies!!!

Ahh well, I thought, its too late now, and let's face it, there's no way I'm saving face, so undies firming attached I plunged into the pool. It was bloody fantastic. The mineralised water makes you feel instantly refreshed...

I then proceeded to take advantage of all the freebies:

sauna - apparently Hot is not enough in china, this sauna must have had a direct feed from the sun... it was face meltingly hot.

steam room - I don't even know what I was thinking. After the sauna I could barely stand, the steam room was a small room filled from the floor to the ceiling in molten lava pretending to be steam. The problem was once you entered you couldn't see anything and because the steam is so hot, it burns your lungs and nose, then slowly your hair feels like its on fire... its bloody horrible.

I entered the room with my boss (who conveniently speaks Chinese and was able to tell his attendant that there was no chance he was wearing anything but his swimmers!!!! bastard) Although the attendant got the last laugh, because upon entering the steam room, and feeling himself being set alight, he panicked and became disorientated... he almost started to cry with panic as he screamed... where's the door, the door, ahhh my lungs... where's the f*cking door... He was rescued by the omnipresent attendant, who incidentally had the largest smile I have ever seen on a Chinese persons face... it was great.

Flesh eating fish pool - That's no typo, you may have heard of this. The pool is about the size of a standard spa, but it is filled with millions of small fish about the size of pen lid, which fairly obviously, love nothing more than sucking the dead skin off human bodies. It is singly the strangest experience I've had since being in china!! At first it's just wrong, you spend the first 5 minutes sayings, ah, ah, get them off, get them off, then after a while you relax into it, and it just feels like a light pins and needles.... all over your body. Until of course you loose concentration and make the dreaded mistake of looking down... The sight you are confronted with is stuff of nightmares... millions of little creatures attached to your body... everywhere and I mean everywhere, biting and nibbling... its a just weird. But after about 20 minutes, my skin felt fantastic, even my feet (possible the driest in all china) were perfectly exfoliated!!! You have to try it!

Shower time - That's right you guessed it, after about 2 hours in the springs we all decided to retire to the restaurant for a meal, and then to the relaxation room... a massive room with individual lounges and individual flat screen TV's with millions of movies available. But before that the attendant insists that you shower. No drama, off comes the the nappy and i step into the shower recess, when I am pushed back by the attendant, who quickly turns on the water, and makes me wait until the temperature is perfect for me. heaven forbid I injure myself with water that is too hot or worse too cold. I then had to utter the following words, i kid you not...

"no thank you, I will be washing myself today" - I had the instant thought of Eddy Murphy in 'coming to america' except more manly... no thanks.

So i wash myself using some of the most extravagant soaps and shampoo's, then I step out to be greeted again by the ever faithful attendant who is holding the towel open... I take the towel and dry myself, something I notice after looking around is unusual here. Most men are standing still while the attend drys them... I appreciate that up until 20 years ago, all men were equal, and so now some are living it up by allowing others to wait on them...but some things are a solo operation!

What a day, and what an experience! If you ever get a chance to experience a Chinese, or Korean or Japanese hot spring, take it... its fantastic.