Travel with Al

Going backwards, with a forward outlook!

2011-08-14T09:52:00.002+08:00

Apparently, Karl Marx thought that once humans push capitalism to its extreme and realise how horrible it is, they will, naturally and in an informed manner, change their societies back into the communal style societies we started from.

The idea was that we would evolve. We would not be going backwards, because we would be choosing a more simple, natural life rather than the industrialised horror we have created. We would be moving forward into a way of life we have chosen (neither Lenin nor Mao, understood this, it seems!)

Regardless of whether Marx actually thought this, I think that time has come. For me at least.

I have embarked on an interesting journey to try and live a more natural life. The journey is long, and difficult, and I get the sense from where I sit at the moment, that the truly natural life that I am envisioning is impossible. Nevertheless, I think the journey is valuable.

The first step is health. I'm trying to eat healthy wholesome foods. I'm experimenting with walking barefoot (however, in China this requires minimalist shoes, rather than actually barefoot - I know what your thinking, but spitting is just too popular here!) Both of these steps (pardon the pun) are about allowing my body to start to revert to it's natural state, to start to repair itself.

After 4 weeks of healthy eating, I can say that the process is working. I feel different, I feel healthier. I've lost large amounts of weight (I'm guessing mostly sludge from my intestines!), I am more alert and I can concentrate for hours, rather than minutes!

After a week in the minimalist shoes, well, my feet hurt, but in a good way. I'm using muscles in my feet, ankles and calves that have never been used! Plus, even after a week, I am gaining control and movement over all of my toes...

I have even experimented with a natural skin cancer cure. I don't have skin cancer (at least i hope I don't!) rather I had a small sun spot that could have potentially become cancer. Anyway, I tried the natural alternative to having the doctor burn a hole in my face with a liquid nitrogen. It worked. It sought out the damaged abnormal cells and killed them. It still left a hole in my face, but after 1 week it is already healed (panic not, my friends, my ruggish good looks have remained).

So why am I telling you all this? I'm hoping to stimulate thought on these issues. The diet seems obvious, and everyone knows what is good and bad. But the barefoot walking and alternative treatments are less understood. I think everyone should investigate these things. Think about our long history as humans. We have been barefoot for tens of thousands of years, there must be a reason for that! We have also been healing ourselves from illness, without the need of very expensive, dangerous, laboratory drugs and surgeries.

So, if you have weak ankles, shin splints, bad knees, a sore back, toes that you can't move without using your hands... look into minimalist shoes.

If you have skin cancer, of any degree of severity, see a Doctor. Ask them how they will fix it. Ask them if they can remove just the abnormal cells, or whether they will just burn indiscriminately hoping for the best. Then research "black salve".

Do the research, use your intelligence, make your own decisions. Don't let "experts" dictate your future, choose it for yourself.

Oh my GOD!

2010-10-30T14:45:00.003+08:00

God is either lazy, an arsehole, or simply doesn't give a shit anymore.

If I hear another person tell me that God is all loving and forgiving, i'll demonstrate the flaw in their argument by beating the shit out of them with a clear conscious knowing that their God will love and forgive me.

The fact of the matter is, regardless of whether you believe in a higher power, the universe, oneness or nothing, humans, by and large are messed up. And, given an opportunity will do whatever they can to get ahead, be safe or be powerful.

Ok, I know, this is a negative take on the world. I know there are wonderful people out there doing wonderful things, but you realise why they are doing wonderful things don't you? because someone has already done something messed up.

Mother Teresa is a saint because she helped people that someone else screwed. Mandela and Gandhi saved their people from slavery. Dr. Martin Luther King drew attention to the abuse of his people by the majority. The list goes on, and I promise you, in almost every case the hero is restoring people to a happy state. A state robbed from them.

God is not great. He's a just a bloke that got this cool new toy and played with it for a while, then got bored, put it into the cupboard and forgot about it.

God is not dead, he has just moved on. And I think it's high time we did the same.

Learning

2010-09-18T17:59:00.003+08:00

I broke up a fight yesterday at school. Standard procedure I guess for teachers, albeit unusual in an international school in China.

It was an interesting punch on. One of our students was involved and about 10 chinese students from the Chinese school that shares our campus. One vs Ten, not good odds, but as it turns out, our lad can handle himself (after all he was raised on the mean streets of Mexico) and so he managed to inflict a fair amount of damage until he was overcome by the sheer weight of numbers.

By the time I ran down the 10 flights of stairs to rescue him, the fight was in a lull and had descended to yelling abuse while both sides re-grouped before starting again.

My presence alone was enough to end it. I didn't have to say or do anything. Our man was more than happy to see me, and the other 10 fighters with another 30 abuse yellers were suddenly scared and backed off. The power of a foreign teachers 'status' on students in this country is amazing.

However, what I found particularly interesting was that when I arrived at the football pitch where the stink was unfolding, I didn't arrive as a teacher. I arrived as a mate and supporter of my student who was being attacked my another group that were not related to me. Had the fight continued in my presence I think I would have quite happily weighed in to rescue my kid. I'm not suggesting I would have fought anyone, but I wouldn't have hesitated to knock some of those little pricks on their arses to protect my student.

It seems clear to me that despite my belief that I'm not really a team player and so prefer solo sports and activities, the reality is, I am hard-wired to protect my own, be they family, friends or community members against attack. And, when that instinct is activated, there seems a sudden and clear 'turning off' of all rationalisation. I revert back to some animalistic state.

Who would have thought that a simple school yard punch up could provide such invaluable insights. I say again, the students teach me far more than I teach them!

Why?

2010-09-12T08:36:00.003+08:00

I had the following email conversation with UPS China regarding the delay in delivery of some stuff I ordered from the US. I had previously order the same things 3 times, without ant great problem, except filling in customs declarations. This time they said I had to pay taxes.

The money is no problem, but I thought I'd ask the question just in case it was a mistake.

"You need to pay 71rmb in taxes" wrote UPS

"OK, but why do I need to pay the taxes this time, when last time I didn't have to?" wrote I

"good. please complete the form and email it back to me." wrote UPS

"Done, completed form attached. Why do I need to pay the taxes?" wrote I, wondering if UPS misunderstood my question.

"receieved. thanks." wrote UPS

"Why do I need to pay the taxes?" wrote I, becoming frustrated at the lack of response.

"you can pay the driver when he delivers it." wrote UPS

"thank you, thats helpful. But WHY do I need to pay the taxes?" wrote I, wondering why UPS mistook a why question for a how question.

"no problem." wrote UPS

"WHY DO I NEED TO PAY THE TAXES?" wrote I, wondering if the isolation of the question would force her to provide an answer.

"it is necessary." wrote UPS

"thank you for all your help." wrote I knowing that the sarcasm would be lost.

"no problem." wrote UPS, demonstrating my point.

I spend a lot of time in philosophy class teaching the difference between why and how. They are not the same. Why is the foundation of all wisdom, how is a practical realm which only becomes useful once why has been established.

Without why, how is redundant.

After this email conversation and doing further research* I have concluded that our society is moving further from wisdom and closer to redundancy.

It is true we know how to do things now that were previously only the imaginings of crazy people on acid, but it would appear we have no idea why we do any of it.

It's true that my friend at UPS probably just doesn't know why. They probably didn't tell her. And that my friends is the first sign that the end is near.

Here's the advice I give my students everyday. The advice that makes me unpopular amongst the other teachers. If you don't know WHY you are doing something, DO NOT DO IT! Reflect, ask questions, discover the answer, then act.

The only way to get our society back on track is to start asking why. Ask everyone, everyday. Pretend you are 5 years old again, and keep asking until you get an answer that satisfies your soul.

*Further reading:

Alain de Botton - any and all of his books
Eric Schlosser - Fast Food Nation (doco Food Inc)
Peter Singer - any and all of his books

A tale of two racisms

2010-08-06T19:12:00.002+08:00

We all agree that racism is bad, right? Especially when it's happening to us or someone we know or a black guy.

For example, on return from Cambodia Skye and I were treated to a wonderful display institutional inequality from the Chinese customs police as they picked out the only black guy in the line of maybe a thousand people to be searched. Sure, he's black, he stands out. But then I'm pale blue with non-descript (some say greenish) hair and a feral beard, I stand out too (did I mention I was wearing fisherman's pants...). Oh that's right, he's black. My mistake.

You see, I'm getting fired up about this disgraceful attitude of the Chinese customs police. I'm feeling outraged on behalf of the black guy. I was ready to smash the place up and force a new revolution in China.

It should be pointed out that the black guy didn't seemed fussed. After all, a black guy with a Nigerian passport, traveling into Beijing from Phnom Penh is just damn weird. right?

Anyway, my point is that obvious racism against the minority, the little guy, always fires us normal people up (by normal I mean non-KKK or non-Liberals party members). I know it fires me up.

Yet, when the roles are reversed, when the discrimination is against the majority, in particular against the racists, I laugh and joke and make blog posts about it!

On arriving in Phnom Penh, Skye and I bought our visas and made our way to customs. Tragically, there was a bit of queue, the two customs officers had decided to open and fully search everyones bags. Bummer! Just when we thought we would be stuck there for half an hour of so, the grumpiest of all grumpy customers officers looks down the line and makes eye contact with me, then I see a flicker of recognition on his face, and wham, I get the biggest smile in the world, gleaming teeth and sparkling eyes that only Cambodian people can muster, and of course, the waive through. No line, No Search, No problem.

We didn't know why. Was it because he thought I was David Beckham? Skye quickly and in my opinion harshly, ruled that out. No, it wasn't because of my charms and good looks, it was because we were not Chinese!

Every Chinese person had their bags opened and searched, and everyone else got the smile and waive through. I laughed and thought, suck shit, as I got into the tuk tuk.

Does that make me a bad person? maybe. I know it certainly makes me a human being with passions and emotions that at times are out of my control. I know that I favour the 'underdog' and will always side with them.

But who is the underdog? who decides who is in power and who deserves the 'suck shit' laugh and apathy when in need?

Surely all inequality is bad, regardless of the victim.

But then, what is inequality. What's the difference between racism and statistical probability?

I have met at least 6 Nigerians in Beijing. And all 6 have, at some point in the conversation, tried to sell me drugs. I have also been in lots of airports, in and outside of china, and witnessed the amazing array of weird, wonderful and often illegal objects Chinese travelers stuff into their cases.

Maybe the statistics support both groups of customs officers, but does that make it OK?

Half Measures

2010-05-04T20:45:00.002+08:00

There is no such thing as half measures in Beijing, or it seems China as a whole. The motto seems to be, 'If a jobs worth doing, its worth doing outrageously over the top.'

At first I thought this motto only applied to Public Address systems, as everytime I've ever seen a Chinese person operate a PA, they have gone straight for the iconic, setting 11, on the amp. After all, if you can't hear it on the moon, there's no point using the bloody thing.

Then I noticed that the extreme view of public address had spread to all areas. It was no longer just the opertors of PA systems. I've started to notice that anyone tasked with addressing a crowd of more than one, needs a loudspeaker, and you guessed it, the volume is set to 'bleeding ears.' Nothing says, please wait behind the line more than burst ear drums.

Now, this half measure problem is not just isolated to sound. Ah no, we also have the internet problem. You know the one, there are about 3 websites in the world that write bad things about the Chinese Govt, so, the Govt has simply banned all websites that are slightly interesting. Facebook, Twitter, all blogs, all data sharing sites, Youtube, google... the list goes on. Why ban one when you can ban them all!

Nor is it isolated to the Govt. Just the other day and perfectly normal farmer, put down his plow, picked up his pig sticking knife and went down to the local kindergarten and started slashing the kiddies. There seemed to be no motive (according to the papers) except that he was somewhat unwell mentally! (luckily Freud was on hand to work that mystery out)

You see, there is simply no middle ground. Normal one day, psycho the next.

For a while I couldn't figure it out. Then it hit me this morning. Picture this:

Two saturday's ago I went hiking. At the top of the mountain there was snow. On the sunday, it snowed heavily on those very hills just outside of Beijing. Last saturday, one full week later, I went hiking in the same hills. It was 32 degrees celsius.

Winter lasted for 7 full months. Thats below zero temperatures for 7 whole months. Then, with one weeks turn around time, its 32 degrees.

Spring and autumn simply not exist in Beijing. And so, there is no role model for the local punters to follow. Beijing weather is all or none. And its people are exactly the same!

Now, where did I put my knife...

Clap your hands.

2010-04-28T11:39:00.003+08:00

I'm not sure exactly how it happend, but somehow since I've been back in China I've managed to get lost within myself.

I'm not sure what caused me to get lost, although to be fair I've never been famous for my sense of direction or overall spatial awareness. But there I found myself, lost, not sure how I got there and definately no idea how to get out.

It reminds me of the time I got lost walking home from the train station in Richmond! Wandering around in the dark without any real reference point, except the same street sign that I kept walking past.

Then suddenly, last saturday, I had a moment.

I took 20 of my students on a huge 12km clean-up hike in the mountains surrounding Beijing. The idea was simple, we would walk to one of the most famous scenic campsites in the Beijing countryside and pick up all the rubbish along the way... anyone who has been to Beijing knows, thats a lot of rubbish.

So anyway, we were in the final stages of the walk when a student, who I only teach one period a week and so I don't really know well, comes up to me and says sheepishly,

"ahh, Mr Fleming, um, I was wondering, you teach philosophy club right?"
"yeah" I responded
"oh cool, I was wondering, like, maybe I want to join, but I don't know what its about, can you explain it?"
"can I explain philosophy?" I said, a little taken aback
"yeah, like, what you do in the club and stuff."
"it's pretty easy really, we just talk about topics, philosophical concepts, like freedom"
"freedom... wow, I've always wondered about freedom. what do you think it is?"
"good question..." I then went on to have a discussion for about an hour with her and three other students about what it means to be free.

Thats when it hit me.

Here I am, walking in the mountains on a perfectly clear, warm spring day, discussing deep philosophical concepts with great students who are not only interested but want to know more and more. I'm doing a job that I absolutely love, I'm edging closer and closer to teaching just philosophy full time, I'm positively influencing young people by getting them to think and I'm doing it in a great country where life is easy. And what's more, Skye will be arriving here in a matter of weeks. The circle is almost complete.

I'm not lost at all, I thought, I'm happy.

I've never been happy like this before, and so, like wandering in Richmond at night, I didn't have any landmarks or guidelines to follow. I just didn't know what I was feeling. I didn't know I was happy.

But thanks to this student, I'm now clapping my hands.

Think about it.

That's right,

sing it with me...

I'm happy and I know it!

Teaching -

2010-01-23T12:59:00.002+08:00

I passed a major teaching milestone yesterday; I kicked a kid out of my class. It was a surprisingly difficult thing to do. Not because the circumstances were questionable or potentially unfair, she deserved to be chucked out, no, it was difficult because I suddenly realised I have an unhealthy need to be liked by everyone. Even in relationships where it actually makes little difference if you are liked or not, ie Teacher/student.

Naurally of course, if your students like and respect you thats great, but its not the purpose of the relationship, the purpose is learning. So if they learn and they hate you, so be it.

Well, as I found out yesterday, its easier said than done. As I listened to her pleas for clemency, and hollow promises of change, my almost overpowering emotional reaction was to give in and let her off with it, rather than have her and her mates hate me. weird!

I didn't give in, thankfully, and then, interstingly, learned my second great lesson for the day when my other students commended me for kicking her out, and suggested that its about time!

So, I'm left wondering (yet again), who's doing the teaching here? Obviously I provide the English content, but it seems my 14 year old students are providing the life lessons. Who said teenagers don't know anything!

Beijing - a winter wonderland?

2010-01-03T13:28:00.003+08:00

Anyone who followed this post last year will know by now that Beijing winters suck. They are cold, long and drier than a mouth full of sao's. However, this year is a little different; it's snowing!
That's right, there is moisture in Beijing, sure it's not in the air, that's still outrageously dry, but it's falling from the sky, and in buckets full. It's now been snowing for about two days... simply amazing! here's the pictures to prove it:

Of course, Beijing winter lasts about 5 months, so two days of snow won't change the overall description; winter here sucks. But at least this time around it has pockets of beauty!

China Top Ten

2009-08-13T10:04:00.001+08:00

Top Ten (in no particular order):

1) Playing 5-a-side football with and against guys from all over the world. I made some good mates!

2) Getting kicked in the head during an all in brawl whilst playing football! Who would have thought there was some truth to the stereotype about Chinese people and Kung Fu

3) Travelling throughout the Tibetan lands in Yunnan, Sichuan and Gansu.

4) Hanging out with Renko and his family in the grasslands of Langmusi

5) Teaching my Chinese kids English and a little about life too.

6) Learning about life and myself, with the help of my students

7) Yoga!! I would return tomorrow to Beijing just to go to a class at Yoga Yard. God I miss that place.

8) My local fruit sellers. Lovely people and ready to serve 24/7. By the end they would pick out the best Xia Guar (watermelon) and save it for me!! Great People

9) Gan Bien Dou Ja, Bu Fang La.

10) The lifestyle. Having the time to go to Yoga every morning before work, eating out twice a day everyday, going out with good mates, hanging out with cool students, going for massages whenever I wanted, etc

The list could go on. All in All, China was great. It wasn’t all sunshine and lolly pops, but those dark times led to some huge breakthroughs and some very happy times.

I do miss it greatly.

It tolls for thee

2009-08-01T18:59:00.001+08:00

The bell is tolling. And yet no one attends. In fact, I can’t even see messengers lining up to ask for whom. There is no sadness, no regret at the waste of life; just a gaggle of angry commuters.

A human lost their life this day, and yet, here I sit, more concerned with bejewelled than with the personal tragedy that is unfolding.

It seems that it would be easier to teach a duck to play the flute than to explain why this death is important to all of us. No matter how hard I ponder this point, no matter how hard I try to find a reason to care, the best I can do is think about whether I should rest my eyes and fingers now or keep pushing on.

What is wrong with us? Why don’t we care? Why will I be more likely to discuss my bejewelled success rather than take a few minutes to mourn the loss of a fellow human?

I know what you are thinking, it’s just you. You and you alone are cold hearted. Maybe that’s true, maybe I am particularly cold and disinterested, but if it’s just me, then why is no one attending to the deaths of millions on a daily basis. Why is the price of fuel more important than how we get it? Why is it ok to sell coal to countries that kill there own people? Why do we all suffer at the hands of each other, when with a bit of charity and love we could all prosper equally?

And that, my friends, is the rub. For we no longer want to prosper equally; we wish to be individually the biggest, the best, the brightest, the richest, or whatever other superlative floats your boat. Being average is no longer good enough. Hell, being great isn’t either, unless you are the superlative, you are nothing.

I’m not sure when exactly it happened, maybe between oil wars or as a result of globalisation, but suddenly and for no good reason we ceased to be a beneficial society that applauded itself for being communally the ‘greatest’ and started striving to be superlatives in our own right. The result is that we all suffer, for as John Donne so rightly points out, “no man is an island…”

I am not asking anyone to join Medecins Sans Frontieres, hell, I’m not even asking that you to pause bejewelled; all I am asking is that next time you hear the rail guard announce a fatality, take a few moments to mourn. For with each moment taken you move closer to the ultimate goal; to once again be considered part of humankind.

Beijing where art thou?

2009-07-21T17:11:00.003+08:00

well its been exactly two weeks since I said Zaijian to the Middle Kingdom, and i have to say, I miss it.

Work is fine, the house is fine, my friends are fine... but i want the excitment of not knowing what people are saying, of figuring it out and making new friends because of it. I want a fruit vender right outside my front door in case i suddenly decide I want watermelon at 1o o'clock at night, I want a transport system that can take me anywhere, anytime. I want taxi drivers that call their friends for directions when they don't know where to go, I want to be the odd one out, I want to be stared at, I want to be a laowai. I want to be in Beijing.

Reverse culture shock is f**ked, totally and utterly.

Blocked!

2009-06-19T10:42:00.000+08:00

Hello dedicated followers of Alan. It would appear that the Government has decided to block just about every decent website available. That's right I said decent, so youtube and blogger are blocked, but facebook is ok!

With the help of a proxy server i'm able to post this, but alas, the proxy doesn't give me full functionality and so I can't post photos! and so, i just can't get motivated to tell you about my travels to Kunming, Dali, Lijiang, Shangri La, Chengdu, Songpan, Langmusi, Lanzhou and Xining, without being able to show you the photos.

However, I will tell you about my non-visit to Xiahe, a wonderful Tibetan Lamastry village that despite my best efforts and thanks to the wonderful efficiency and helpfullness of Chinas Finest, I DID NOT visit.

But not now. I am planning on heading back to Sichuan with Skye next week, and i really don't need any dramas, especially as the police took photocopies of my passport.

I know, I know, you think i'm paranoid. But remember i'm writing this post through a proxy server onto a banned website, oh and don't forget the incident with the pot (sorry Teresa, 'potted') plants. I'll post my stories when i'm back in Oz.

A Day In The Life...

2009-05-11T11:38:00.013+08:00

A day in my life (in pictures!)...

It all begins with a walk through the glorious old hutong.

Check out the bicycle utes!

After the walk, I hit the subway! Dongsi Exit B...

Why don't Aussie train stations look like this?

The queue for the escalators is the same everyday. Wake up people! its not a magic stairway, it's a bloody escalator!

Ahh, the benefits of getting off the train at the end of the line!

Its about a 10 minute walk for the subway to my school. In Beijing, the 'Permit to Park Anywhere' is considered a basic Human Right!

"Yi, Er, San... PUSH!" After 10 months, i am no longer shocked by bizarre acts. These guys were actually trying (successfully I might add!) to push start a fully loaded 3 tonne truck!

My School's front entrance. Classic Chinese design, if you don't know where it is, and how to find, then you're not welcome!

Disabled students need not apply.

Who needs teachers when you have TV!

The staff room. And the irrepressible local teachers, Seven, Nyah and William. Don't panic, Nyah is actually very tall, she's just sitting down.

My Favourite class. Learning how to colour in and cut out... er... in English!

Shy kids. Charlie, Eric, Frank, Simon, and the lovely Hannah at the back. After saying my final farewells to them yesterday, Hannah came running back in, gave me a hug and said, "Teacher, I miss you!" I tell you what, the pollen count was outrageous at that moment, because my eyes were watering badly!

Frank my absolute favourite student, giving me the stink eye after I told him off for being naughty.

Frank just can't control himself!

Not a happy camper. Eric lost the place all together after a run in with Frank. Not that I take sides, but Frank got a sticker and Eric got told to HTFU

Well, that's pretty much what my life (on work days) has looked like for the last 10 months!!

What a great life! I'll be sorry to leave this place.

Swine Flu, Muppets and Red-necks

2009-04-29T21:03:00.002+08:00

Isn't it funny how just about every serious contagious disease starts with "flu like symptoms" (Dengue, Malaria, Swine flu, Avian flu, SARS, Ross River Fever), and also how as soon as the latest outbreak makes the news the hospitals the world over get flooded by Muppet's with "flu like symptoms" claiming to have swine flu even though the closest they've come to Mexico and a pig is a microwave pork burrito from a service station. Amazing!

Whilst I don't believe this latest outbreak is quite the threat that the media is making out(although I do feel for the families of the people who have lost their lives), I do hold grave concerns about the lasting effects the outbreak will have. I sense that as more people lose their lives in America, more and more rednecks in Texas and in fact all over the world will start sprouting rubbish about how this is perfect evidence of why immigration needs to be controlled.

If you are currently harbouring these thoughts as you read this, I beg you, please just take the time to think about it. Illegal immigrants don't spread contagious diseases; they simply die from them. These outbreaks are spread by rich people like you and I who jet around the world at an alarming pace! Then when we get sick, we simply pop a couple of codral and soldier on, ensuring that our germs are spread to every poor bastard on the subway/bus/train.

And for those currently suffering from "Flu like symptoms": WAKE UP... Its a COLD!

The darkness lifts

2009-04-13T13:06:00.003+08:00

For those that haven't had the pleasure of basking in a glorious Beijing winter you may not be able to fully understand how it feels to have all the colour sucked out of your surroundings and life. For the last four months everything in Beijing has been grey. The leafless trees, the buildings, the cars, the hills in the distance and most disturbingly the people.

Case in point, the man in our building who is charged with the protection and general safe keeping of everyone's bikes has been very dark of late. No matter how cheerily I say 'Ni Hao' the response is always silence and the stink eye.

However, now that the mercury has tipped 27, and the blossoms are blooming, the birds are singing and the insects are buzzing, his mood has changed. He whistles, sings and has even started trying his best English impersonation with the occasional, 'Good Evening' (regardless of the actual time!)

Point is, the darkness that had descended on both Beijing and me, has lifted. The colour is back, the life force is back and anything is possible!

In response to this revival I decided to get a good old fashion beating at the hands of a Chinese masseuse to get the life force pumping again. However, my energy flow was more blocked than I originally realised and so she suggested an age old technique to clear the channels; a scraping.

Please see the physical results below... and watch this space for updates on whether it worked or not.

Spring has Sprung people... anything is possible!

Power!

2009-03-24T14:12:00.005+08:00

There is little doubt in my mind that every human being is aware of the suffering and pain that is caused everyday by powerful people, powerful companies and powerful institutions. Pain and suffering that could so easily be avoided if only the people at the centre of these 'powerful machines' opened their eyes, hearts and minds and decided that people and all the associated emotions, feelings, wishes and desires are more important than the dollar.

But this is a funny thing. Why do we sit back and wait for the these powerful few to take pity on us, wait for them to realise their mistakes. Why don't we stand-up and fight against them; buck their system; demand change; demand a better life for ourselves and our children?

Oh, that's right, they are too powerful; they call the shots.

Bullshit!

It seems to me that power is not gained, it is given.

People, companies and institutions are powerful because we allow them to be. Whether it's your partner, McDonald's or the Government, the reason they have power is because we, the masses, give them that power. We allow them to dictate what we want and how we want it. We allow them to control our thoughts, desires and dreams. And in doing so, we make them powerful.

Then once we are depleted, we sit back, resigned to our 'destiny' and claim there is nothing we can do.

Bullshit.

The problem is that we have been supplying power to the 'powerful' for so long that we have been sucked into their reality. A reality where personal wealth, safety and security are more important than the overall well-being of our fellow man. We may often get upset, angry and frustrated by the state of our world, but when push comes to shove, we look after ourselves first, after all, who would benefit if I make a protest and quit my job because of their unfair policies. No one, because I'm just one person, a single individual who is easily replaced.

You see, this is what they want you to think. This is how they continue to feed off our power. You are not living in isolation. You are part of a massive ecosystem, where your thoughts, words and actions are powerful. When you speak, people will listen. When you act, people will follow.

But here's the clincher - you MUST speak out, you MUST act.

Do not allow fear to get in the way of your conscience. And do not allow the powerful to exercise your power against you.

Only once we all realise this. Once we all break free from their spell, will we be able to create a world that we want and love.

ACL – Beijing Style

2009-03-14T12:16:00.002+08:00

The below can be found on 'back-of-the-net.com'

Pre-match warm-up

In order to score good seats, I wandered down to the stadium early on match day to purchase the tickets from ‘the gate’; the early worm and all that. I could have been even earlier and secured the tickets online or something, but that task seemed about as easy in Beijing as finding the lost city of Atlantis with a snorkel and dolphin touch. No, this one was convenience all the way, and anyway, how many punters were really going to turn out on a chilly Beijing evening to see Guoan take on The Jets (the powerhouses of international football that they are!)

I strolled up to the security guard who was guarding the main entrance gate Chinese style (that is to say, he was all dressed up in a beautifully manicured uniform, but slumped on a stool playing video games on his phone) and asked where the ticket booth was. He gave me a huge smile, and started waving his arm like a cricket umpire announcing another Ponting boundary. At that exact moment, I heard a small rumble and when I turned I was nearly trampled by about 25 scalpers.

They were yelling and screaming, and pulling me this way and that, they all had the best deal and could all offer me more. Not convinced, I made my way to the booth, well, I say booth but I mean trestle table with a picture of the seating outline taped to it, and two very bored and disinterested young guys sitting behind it. As I approached, they waved me away, and simply pointed back to the gaggle of scalpers. Fair enough too, no need to sell direct when you’ve just unloaded most of the tickets onto the black market.

After about 15 minutes of negotiation, not over the price, but rather to secure 3 tickets with sequential numbering, I was holding in my hand three glorious Category A tickets (sequential) for the princely sum of RMB150 (approx AUD36). Bargain!

Funny thing about the sequential seating; the scalper just couldn’t comprehend why I wanted them. My Chinese is sketchy at best, but he seemed at a complete loss! Still realising that the sequential seats was the clincher for the sale he sorted it out for me. This was, of course, a warning sign but I missed it.

I had no doubt the scalper’s tickets were legit. I mean sure, they were on flimsy paper, and had the seat numbers stamped on, but its China right, no drama. That was of course until I met up with some friends pre-match, and noticed their tickets were card-board, printed and clearly had been purchased from an official ‘booth’ that more than likely had a roof! Still, it’s China right…no drama!

Kick-off

I should have known better. Never, repeat, NEVER agree to meet up with non-football fans before a match. Firstly, because you spend the whole time explaining what the ACL is, what a league is, how you qualify, why it’s important, and YES football is popular in Australia, just not in your rugby orientated mind… and why are you wearing a Wallabies Jersey again?

Too late; the mistake was made. Don’t get me wrong they are all lovely, and I guess its more people that are being introduced to football and so, more people that may support it when they return to Oz. But the main reason you should never meet up with non-football fans before the game is because they don’t understand the importance of getting to a stadium that you have never been to before early to; a) soak up the atmosphere and b) find your seat.

Needless to say, we missed the kick-off. I was running up the stairs when I heard the whistle blow. Not happy.

Interestingly, at the top of the stairs I suddenly realised two things; firstly, if you remove ‘most’ of the people from Beijing, that still leaves a lot of people. Hence, whilst most of the people in Beijing have no interest in local football, there are still a lot that do. So many in fact that even after you remove the very poor (who can’t afford tickets), the people that hate the cold, and those that prefer to watch the Beautiful Game on TV or in the pub, Beijing Guoan can still pull a crowd of over 30,000 screaming fans. Unbelievable!

The second thing was why the scalper couldn’t understand my insisting on sequential seating. As it turns out, your ticket is for the bay only, once in, it’s every man for himself and as we arrived moments after kick-off, the steward smiled and pointed to the top of the stand… the nose bleeds. This was going to be the true long march!

Luckily, another steward took pity on us and pointed us to three cheeky seats down near the front of the first tier hidden amongst the masses, with a cracking view and surrounded by some seriously noisy fans. Things were starting to look up.

We managed to squeeze our way past the people who arrived early and so had better seats closer to the aisle and settle in just in time for Beijing’s latest Aussie import to slot home a lovely goal and put Guoan one up, and send the fans around the stadium into a complete frenzy.

The Match

As a general rule Chinese people are both patriotic and reserved. The former is clear at a football match, as they cheer and chant with every touch of the ball for the home team. The latter is not so obvious as they hurl unbridled abuse at the away team with every touch. Now I’m not just talking about the usual taunts, of ‘go home’, ‘you’re rubbish’ etc, but nasty, racist and sometimes just down right rude comments. For a long time they were chanting “big nose” and “donkey penis”. The first insult is obvious, but I’m still at a loss how suggesting a man has a penis like a donkey’s is insulting.

No-one, except the Guoan players (many of whom are big noses and donkey penis’ themselves) were immune from the chants. The referee, as one would expect, received several choruses of “sha bi” (excuse the spelling) which means in English… well… ahh… let’s just say it rhymes with punt.

I know what you’re thinking, it’s the same everywhere; people fall into the group mentality and go mental. They become momentary thugs and racists as the emotion of the moment takes over. And I agree, it’s just whilst Beijingers are emotional, they very rarely show it, and it is pretty unheard of that anyone except a taxi driver would drop the C-word in the company of anyone except their drinking buddies. But on that chilly Beijing evening, even the young kid sitting on front of us, was chanting whilst occasionally smiling at his father.

Ah football… what does it do to us?

Of course, Beijing being Beijing, it wasn’t all aggression and racism. In fact, there was a large contingent of the crowd that were fantastic and completely taken in the moment. Naturally the die-hards were behind the goal and managed to sing, chant, wave flags and do the ‘bouncy bouncy’ throughout the whole game. But the best fans, and this is something that is possibly unique to Beijing, were the “child-like” adults; the grown men that would giggle like school girls as they punched the giant beach ball back into the air, or the old men, getting angry because the next bay failed to continue the wave. This is why I love Beijing and love going to any sporting event held here. The crowd is devoted to their team and also able to release and have a good time. Granted that comes with some bad elements, but for the most part its hilarious and fun to be a part of.

I would love to comment here on the Jets fans that travelled half way around the world to support their team, and show the Guoan punters what true devotion is. But alas, if there were any there, I didn’t see them. Despite a heavy security presence in the ‘away’ section behind the goal, there was not one single Jets jersey amongst the green of the security uniforms. Poor show Jets, poor show.

Post Match

I can’t quite put my finger on it, but for some reason I absolutely loved watching The Jets get pumped by an equally poor Guoan outfit. Let’s not beat around the bush, the game was poor, neither looked particularly impressive and beside a few good runs by the Guoan players there was very little happening. I know I should have been supporting my countrymen, but the reality is I’m a Sydney fan – fullstop.

There is nothing better that watching players your team has rejected play horrendously bad on the world stage. I know, I know, if Petrovski had slotted home late the in second half (and he should have, it was a massive sitter) I would have been claiming that he was a Sydney man originally. But still, he missed and we were right to shift him. As for poor ‘old’ Topor Stanley, I thought he was OK, but the crowd seemed to hate him. They booed his every touch. I like to think that the instant hatred was nothing more sinister that the fact that he’s rubbish and was wearing the dreaded number 4 (never underestimate the power of a number).

This game was clear evidence of the power of the ACL. If 32,000 devoted punters can turn out on a chilly Beijing school night to watch their side pump a ‘not-at-the-top-of-their-game’ Jets side, then imagine the draw for Guoan vs Urawa Red Diamonds, with all that simmering hatred between the Chinese and Japanese. They’d be erecting outdoor screens across the city for that clash.

All we need now is to develop a bigger Australian travelling contingent and, oh yeah, more competitive A-league sides!

A quick word on face.

2009-03-04T09:54:00.002+08:00

I'm sure you have all heard people talk about 'face' and the saving thereof, when others discuss Asian cultures. After 8 months in Beijing I have encountered the concept of face and had to deal with its bizarre ramifications a few times. But yesterday, Skye and I were presented with the perfect example of the bizarre mind-set that Beijing "Face" creates, and i believe the perfect way to explain it to people from outside a 'face' culture.

Yesterday Skye and I went to a Chinese cooking class (it was fantastic by the way! thank you Fairweathers and Hobbs'). During the seasoning and knife work section of the class, we were rudely interrupted by what sounded like a massive tree smashing against the roof of the beautifully old Hutong house and kitchen in which we were working. The whole building shook with the force of the blow.

Our teacher, shocked by the noise and a little concerned about the well-being of her home/workplace went to investigate. Now, neither of us speaks Chinese, nor did the two other blokes taking the class, but what we heard went something like this:

Teacher: "excuse me kind sir, I have several people next door working, and I would appreciate that you were a little more careful when pruning your trees"

Neighbour: SCREAMING "shut up, I didn't mean to do it, how dare you come here and tell me off for something i didn't mean to do, get the hell out of here, you idiot"

Teacher: "thank you, please just be more careful"

Neighbour: SCREAMING: "DIE YOU IDIOT DIE!!!!!!!"

(please note, this is a dialog was based on the tone of the conversation, the decibel level, and the look of shock on the teacher's face when she returned, NOT on my understanding of Chinese language)

Naturally, when the teacher returned, we all had a giggle at the expense of the retard neighbour and how quite clearly he is a mental patient. And, with that, we continued on learning about the wonders of Soy Sauce.

However, the crazy neighbour didn't stop, he was still yelling, even though there appeared to be no one out there with him. Then, "BANG!"

the front door gets kicked in, and its the neighbour, completely unhinged and threatening to kill everyone and smash the place up, except, what he probably didn't realise is that the tiny little teacher wasn't alone in her little kitchen, and so just as he prepared to burst through the door and "sort the situation out", he was confronted by 4 foreigners, 3 of them men, and all of them standing in shock holding massive meat cleavers!!!

Luckily, he made the wise decision to retreat, and just yell from outside. Our teacher, an old hand at dealing with Beijingers, simply slammed the door in his face and bolted it shut.

This commotion and carry-on was the result, not of the tree falling on the house, but rather because the neighbour, needing to protect his Face and manhood, could not admit he made a mistake. So, rather than simply saying to the teacher, "yeah sorry, I dropped the ball with that one, won't happen again", he takes the offensive and tries to demonstrate to everyone who will listen that she is mental, and crazy and attacking him for no reason.

I mean after all, what sort of weirdo would come and investigate a massive tree smashing against their roof? why wouldn't they just accept that the person cutting down the tree didn't mean it, and its all OK... why cause a fuss?

Face makes some people mental, beyond all belief.

It seems that very few people here have figured out that in saving your own face, you end up making a complete tit out of yourself. It's like the person who doesn't like to be the centre of attention and hates the spotlight, so instead of making the speech, bursts into tears in the middle of the room and then storms out all snot and wailing. That is, they end up getting exactly what they didn't want.

This idiot was no different. He made a complete and monumental tit of himself and in my opinion lost the respect of everyone that lives within that hutong, and the respect of all of you, because his behaviour is now on my blog. What a complete knob! All this rubbish because he has no idea how to cut down a tree!

The concept of face is yet another example of the contradictions of Beijing. That said, it made for a bit of excitement, and another entry to the blog, and for that I am grateful. And, more importantly opened my eyes to another interesting aspect of the human condition, something I am becoming more and more interested in.

Cambodia - 2

2009-02-24T10:37:00.002+08:00

Random pictures of Cambodia!

Cool entrance

A massive tree growing on the temple.

ditto

The Big Man.

Skye doing what she loves... getting her photo taken by me!

Three shrewd businessmen, and the best tour guides you could ask for, standing in front of a 'locals only' temple, that they happily took us to.

haven't seen one of these in months!

the temples are full of cool doorways, leading to millions of little nooks and crannies

sunset over the disappearing lake in Phnom Penh...

one of approx 10 zillion carved dancing deities on the temple walls at Angkor

Sunbathing elephant

Angkor towers

"We're not in Kansas anymore Toto", arriving at the Siem Riep port.

On the boat to Siem Riep. We choose to sit on the roof for the experience and later discovered how good our choice was, when we ducked inside to use the toilet and realised the interior was full of diesel fumes and toilet fragrances. The boat trip took 7 hours, and crosses one of the largest freshwater lakes in the world. At one point the lake is so wide, you can't see land in any direction.

A graceful and ugly stork!

My mate the monkey. Followed us around the zoo all day. His cheeks are stuffed with banana, I gave him too much, and he didn't want to waste it (or share with his mates)

"What you talking about Willis?"

"Whatevverrr!"

Cool bird.

Seven Months in Beijing

2009-02-16T10:20:00.004+08:00

OK, so I think you all know by now that I usually reserve this blog for funny stories, with the intention to make you all smile, and at the same time allow me to re-create my experiences, process them and store them in the funny/interesting category in my mind. To this end this blog is nice.

Having said that, we're now 7 months into this current journey, and I think its important to let you all in on what its like living in Beijing. Not so much the practicalities, which are sometimes mundane and often humorous, and so the usual fodder for this blog, but rather how it feels.

One of the biggest challenges for me in Beijing so far has been confronting myself. It's easy at home to duck and weave and distract myself for long periods to avoid actually sorting any of my issues out. It's different here.

Suddenly my issues have become so abundantly clear because everything else around me is different; the country, the job, the people, the language, the food, the house, and yet, I suffer from the same feelings and issues that I did at home. Except here there's no-one else to blame.

So what to do? I can either sort it out, or run. But run where? home? another country?

Of course, its possible to do nothing. To simply ride out my time here with my head in the sand, finding things to blame, and walking around with a superiority complex explaining to the world why I know best and why I'm balanced. But that seems unhealthy.

No, the answer for me (made this morning at about 9am) is to face the issues, sort them out once and for all, and then move on.

This is by no means easy, nor is it negative or depressing. In fact, its a great feeling; a feeling of empowerment. I'm ready to shed my baggage and start traveling a little lighter.

The point is I'm changing. Beijing isn't changing me, but rather I am trying to change myself, trying to get into balance. I'm not sure what it means, or where it will lead me, but that's the great thing about positive change; it's a mystery.

Cambodia: 1

2009-02-05T10:44:00.010+08:00

Cambodia is an amazing and interesting place. It is, as the advertisements proclaim, 'the kingdom of wonder'. It is wondrous not only for its ancient temples and beautiful happy people, but also for its astounding contradictions and bizarre government (more on that later).

First some facts, did you know that over 75% of Cambodia's population is under 30? (that makes me old in Cambodia) and that 50% are under 18?

wondrous, no?

Or that the Temples at Angkor, just outside Siem Riep, is arguably the largest religious temple area in the world?

Or that because Cambodia is situated between two very powerful neighbours, Vietnam and Thailand, its land and people have been raped and pillaged for centuries by these neighbours, and of course by its own people (read here Khmer Rouge), and yet, the people keep smiling and loving?

This place is truly one of wonder. I knew this to be the case before I visited because Skye had lived, worked and traveled around Cambodia a few years ago, and regaled me with stories of the place. It was like visiting a fairytale land for me, and the best thing was, it lived up to its stories.

I don't know exactly what it is about the place, the feel, the smell, the warmth, the smiling and friendly people, but there is a spirituality that simply can not be expressed in words. I now know why Skye adores it, and am starting to develop strong feelings for the place myself.

I am determined to return at some stage and spend some time to really to get know her.

Here's some photos of Phnom Penh, and possibly some of the last photo's of the sunset over the lake from the Drunken Frog guesthouse! (its a long and horrible story... one for another post)

Sunset on Day 2. The Drunken Frog is great place to stay. The staff are unbelievably friendly. We stayed a few days here at first, then returned for two more after going to Siem Riep. On our return we were greeted with huge hugs and told, that 'Our' room is available. Lovely people.

This is a temple on the only hill in town. A cool place full of monkey's and very poor people, begging and selling their wares. This is one of the great contradictions in this town. There is so much love and beauty, and yet, so many people struggling to survive.
Skye on the deck of the Drunken Frog.
Sunset over the Drunken Frog. The Govt. has sold the lake to developers who are currently filling it with sand so they can build a resort. Very shit, but the sunset, while it lasts, is amazing.

At the aforementioned temple, lighting incense for the 'Big Man'.

Enjoying a cleansing ale at the Foreign Correspondents Club over looking the Tonle Sap River. This club is one of the few fully western places in Phnom Penh and a nice place to recover from culture shock.

Cambodia - I miss you already

2009-02-01T20:14:00.001+08:00

This is a non-post. That is, its the post you post when you have something to say, but lack the energy to say it.

I got back from Cambodia a few hours ago. It was fantastic, watch this space for photos and stories.

The Interview

2009-01-20T18:52:00.003+08:00

Several times since walking on the hallowed earth of the middle kingdom, I have been told by lovely Chinese ladies that I strike a remarkable resemblance to one Sir David Beckham.

I know what you're thinking, and I agree, I'm more Brad Pitt than Sir David, but what can I say, you know what its like, Chinese people think all us foreigners look the same.

Given this constant praise (?) it came as no surprise when my boss mentioned to me today that a newspaper crew were waiting in the foyer to interview me, and could I spare a few moments to have a chat with them and get a few photos taken.

Never one to turn his back on his fans. I reluctantly agreed.

The interview took about 10 minutes, the photo shoot about 4 seconds, and then I was back into the comfort of the teachers lounge, pretending to work and deflecting the jealous glares of my colleagues.

Have you ever had the sense, that even though you are the centre of attention in a situation, you are in fact, just a prop?

The interview was like something out of a Monty Python skit. The news reporter asked a question that lasted for about 3 minutes (impressive lung capacity because she didn't stop for a breath) and then my boss-slash-interpreter turns to me and says:

"how is the winter course helpful to language learners?"

I answer, with, "its great because the students are immersed in English for 3 hours everyday for 15 days. And..."

My boss-slash-interpreter-slash-puppet master, then says, "hold on, i need to translate"

she then speaks for about 3 minutes, gesticulating and obviously showing a passionate response to the question, that has bugger all to do with what I said.

This happened twice more, then, the reporter says cheerie bye bye and she's away.

Shocked, I asked my boss what that was all about, and she says, "Oh, she just needed to be able to say she spoke to a Foreign expert, I've already given her all the facts and information she needs to write the story"

Ahh the wonders of modern media... I felt like the muppet you see on Ponds ads wearing a white coat and claiming to be a doctor.

The jig is up...

2009-01-07T17:51:00.005+08:00

In order to tell this story properly you must cast your mind back to 23 December 2008 (imagine the image going wavy as we drift back in time). It was a cold night, and Skye and I were heading home from dinner. We entered our building stairwell, and were confronted, yet again, by a horrendous Plant Rights violation. Two beautiful, innocent pot plants (Skye could tell you there names, but I don't speak Plant, and even if I did i wouldn't be able to pronounce it!) stuck in a pitch black corner; dumped. Left to rot and die; cold and alone. It was an outrage.

Skye had been watering the plants for the last three months to ensure they had some sustenance, but now, after months in the dark, things were looking dire. Wiping tears from our eyes, we decided then, on the spot, to rescue the plants and put them in our sun room.

Now, without going into detail (and having my site blocked) we all know the rumours about our fine host and their ability to know everything about everyone, and to use that information to send you to the big house forever.

So, with this in mind, you have to understand that our decision to liberate the plants was a major risk, however, after years of watching CSI, I thought I could match it with the best.

We snaffled the plants that night, after waiting patiently in the dark to see if anyone was stirring; informers; spy's. Once the coast was clear, we nicked them.

I tell you what, for starving plants, they had some weight... well they weren't so much heavy as awkward (that's for you dad!).

Now, as I said, i like to think of myself as a bit of an expert on all things CSI, after all the TV show is an educational guide for would be criminals isn't it? So, I knew that just getting the plants up the stairs and behind closed doors wouldn't be enough, we needed to dispose of all evidence and if possible lead a trail away from us.

We spent the next 30 minutes picking the hundreds of leaves that the plants dropped on the way up the stairs. Then we left a seemingly random spattering of the leaves, out of the stairwell and into the courtyard. Leaving the impression that the assailants were outsiders who had snaffled the plants and whisked them away to another building.

The jig was complete. The plants safe, and our tracks covered. Or so we thought...

Two weeks pasted without incident. No cops, no unusual notices in the stairwells, no pictures of the plants with a reward posted.

We were golden... (insert reverse waviness and bring yourself back to the present day)

Early this morning, I ducked out to pay the telephone bill. On my way out I left our recycling next to the bins and then went to the bank (the place where we pay our telephone bill!). We intentionally leave out our recycling because in Beijing you can get money back for your recycling. We don't need the cash, so we leave it out for the struggling oldies in our complex who need the extra Kuai (See, I'm casually building a picture for the jury that we are good people who look after our community... I should be a lawyer).

On my return 45 minutes later, a 700 year old dude is going through our recycling, crushing cans and folding paper, softly tisking away at the wasteful foreigners, when he spy's me. He's on me like a flash; old yes, slow no.

He's into me about something, but I've no idea what he's saying. He's not angry but insistent. I'm giving it my best shot to understand, but he's speaking quickly and I've got nothing.

"Wo ting bu dong" says I. (I can hear you but don't understand)

He responds by saying the same thing again but really slow and loud, like I'm a retard.

"Wo putonghua shuode bu hao" I try. (My Chinese is bad)

"blah, blah, Hui Jia, blah blah" he says, even slower than last time.

OK, hui jia I know, it means 'go home'. Ha! the old bloke is giving me a serve, telling me to go home... outrageous

"Ting bu dong" I say, and start walking away.

He grabs, me, and drags me towards my stairwell. I'm a little freaked now, cause the guy is still talking and trying to act out something, but he seems happy... this can be a good or bad sign in China. The Chinese will smile non-stop so no-one loses face, even when they are threatening to kill you.

He drags me inside, and points directly to the dark, pot-plantless corner.

Shit!, he knows. how?

"Hiu Jia, blah blah blah"

I still don't know what he's saying, but I'm guessing now its, "get home, and give me back my plants you thieving foreigner!"

I kid on I don't know what he's talking about. We're still golden if only I can break free of his vice like grip and get upstairs.

Then, after another three rounds of his very slow speaking, I crack the Da Vinci code, and when I say, "wo mingbai" (I understand) grandpa cracks the biggest warmest smile you've ever seen.

I could only understand some of the words he was saying, but the re-construction was,

"When you go home (leave china) please can you give me the pot plants that were dumped in the corner"

Grandpa didn't own the plants, he had intended to snaffle them himself, but he didn't have the strength to lift the heavy (sorry, awkward) things up the stairs.

"Mingbai, Mingbai" I say reassuringly and I duck up the stairs and into the safety of the flat.

We were still golden after all, but the question remains how did he know?

The only person who has entered our flat since 'the liberation' was our water delivery man. So obviously, it was him. However, what I want, nay need, to know is; how did it come up in conversation between the water guy and grandpa?

I mean did gramps just stand in the stairwell and ask everyone that walked past if they had seen the plants? or is the water guy in some way part of a bigger machine that is watching us? and so, gramps put the word out that he is looking for the plants, and then, a few weeks later, the information comes back that it was us.

I'll never know, but I have to say that its a timely wake up call... big brother is watching my friends.

death warmed up

2008-12-21T14:09:00.003+08:00

"Pray tell dear friend, what brings you to be bed-ridden on this gloriously clear and freezing Beijing day?" I hear you ask. "Moreover, why are you not at work?"

The answer my friends, is Hotpot. That's right, bloody hotpot. Now as anyone who knows me will be aware I am partial to a morsel of food on occasion, and never one to back away from something different. And so it is with hotpot.

Skye happens to love it; hotpot that is. And I have on several occasions tried to discover what she finds in it, indeed I have tried to discover what just about every living person in Beijing finds in it, and alas last night I believe i found it...

You see hotpot, as the name suggests is a cooking style whereby the restaurant sets up a huge boiling pot of (some say) flavoured water, and then supply the raw ingredients, to which, one applies to the boiling water, and 'hey presto' hotpot is in the house.

Throughout my time here I have had all kinds of food stuffs from the belly of the pot. Mutton, pork, beef, ducks blood, ducks tongue and even noodles!

I have to say I have never really understood the fuss. Its almost completely flavourless, and remind me again why I am paying tons of cash to cook my own food?

So anyway, because Skye's mates here all love hotpot, I find myself, week after week, sitting around the pot, trying to dig out some thing or another from the opaque water with chopsticks and wondering whether the stench of the boiling broth with ever wash out of my hair.

Give me stir fry any day.

"The epiphany, sir, get to the part about the epiphany!" you mutter, wondering whether i will get to the point or merely ramble on for hours as usual.

ah yes, the epiphany. So last night, after yet another hotpot meal, with Skye's mate Elissa and her cousin mark who have just spent 3 weeks touring around china (who incidentally are staying with us until Mark flies home, and Elissa moves back to Shenyang), we head home and go to bed. Come 3 am, I'm feeling a little restless and having trouble getting back to sleep. Then it hits me, the epiphany, square between the eyes, well actually closer to my thighs really! To steal a quote from a friend of ours facebook site here in Beijing, "[Alan] no longer thinks SHART is a funny word".

Sitting there on the toilet, while the 'guns of Navarro' and at least 5 million horses trot their way to freedom, I was hit by another epiphany... the dreaded 'choice'.

That's right my friends, the hotpot (or at least its secret ingredient) asked me the simple but impossibly challenging question:

"would you like to sit on the bus, or drive?"

what is one to do? I ask you?

Keep in mind, this isn't my little bachelor pad in Alexandria, I'm not the only one that using this bathroom, and indeed, we have two strangers sleeping in the spare room... what to do?

Luckily for all parties involved, I was able to drive the bus for a short distance, then become a passenger without major incident. I was certain last night that Death himself had come to Beijing to mock me, and yet refuse to take me... after all, imagine the mess I would of made of the pearly steps had there been a queue at the gates.

Alas Death did not take me last night and instead, the hotpot continues to inflict suffering upon me. Indeed as I sit and type I wonder if I'll be able to fin...

The Confidence Game -

2008-12-15T16:24:00.003+08:00

This is a short rambling, firstly to boast about how great i am, and secondly... well actually there's only one reason.

Now, I'm not just going to crap on about how great a teacher i am. That would just be grandstanding. And as a result I am not going to talk about how last week I asked some of my advanced students to write a 300 word essay entitled "my favourite...", and two of them wrote about their favourite teacher, 'Alan' and how he is simply the bestest teacher ever (and no I didn't correct their incorrect '-est', after all, I am the bestest!) because telling such a story would just be an act of outrageous 'up-ones-selfness'.

instead I'll tell you a cute story about one of my favourite students, Martin. Martin is simply the cutest little human alive. Last week, during my 'talk time' (I call it this somewhat ironically because 5 year old English students, generally know words and short sentences, so talking is more about me asking direct questions, like 'what is that? what is this? do you like watermelon?) So anyway, I'm going around the room, asking the kiddies if their name is 'Banana', to encourage them to say, 'Noooooo, my name's Ruby, you're a banana'.

I could play this game all day, because the kids end up in fits of laughter that I just can't get enough of. So anyway, I'm going around asking, 'what do you like?' this is a difficult abstract question and often results in blank faces...except this time. I go around and one kid starts with, "I like bananas", I'm thinking cool, they'll all get it now. And they did, some liked bananas others onions (who are we to judge), then Martin says,

"I like you, Alan", then he runs towards me and gives me a huge hug!!!

I respond by saying "I like you too, Martin!" as i hug him back and recover from the goose bumps and watery eyes (my allergies playing up)

Martin then moves around to my ear, and blows into it. Now I know what you thinking, but don't go sexualising everything and making this lovely non-sexualised country as messed up as the west.

It was very cute, but the whole thing got out of hand, when Ruby, another little cutey wanted to do the same thing, but lacked the finesse and fine motor skills of Martin, and sprayed the side of face with saliva!

Ahhh, I am clucky as hell. Not good my friends, not good.

Of course, it all balances out. I did have an older kid ask me yesterday why I decided to cut a huge M in the front of my hair... little bastard!!!

After that comment I spent 25 minutes explaining why male pattern baldness is natural and not a fashion choice... little bastard!

I also had another little 5 year old who got so excited about class ending that when I said, make one line, he charged straight at me to be first in the queue and lost his footing and punched me full force in the nuts! BU HAO!

ahhh the joys of teaching!

Freezing

2008-12-08T12:01:00.005+08:00

A lot has happened since my last ramble. Well at least it feels like a lot has happened. Skye landed a new job, turned 30, had her first professional photography gig and hung out with Jane Goodall!

I... um... well I've been doing stuff... like... ahhhh... well working 'en nat.

Ok so not much has happened on the Alan front, but its been an amazing time for Skye and as a result an amazing time for me. Jane Goodall is not only a cool person, but Skye is her number 1 fan, so for Skye to have the opportunity to not only meet her, but spend two days taking photo's of her doing her charity work is out of this world!

Nothing major has happened on the Beijing front either, except that winter arrived. Not slowly and romantically like it used to in the mountains, instead, it kicked the door in and threatened to kill us all. It went from a balmy high of 10 degrees and a low of 0 degrees one day to a high of -8 and low of -13 the next. Unbelievably cold!

In spite of this sudden drop in temperature, we decided to celebrate Skye's 30th by climbing Beijing's only high ground, Fragrance Hills.

"You know" said Skye on the morning of her birthday. "because we'll be walking essentially straight up the hill, we will probably get really hot and end up carrying our heavy coats which will be a pain. So we should wear layers instead and just take our light jumpers."

"well" said I, "you've been before so i guess you know better than I"

Off we set, several layers on, heavycoatless.

After an hour on the heated bus, and us both hoovering about 3 kgs of Sweet Potato chips, we were happy as Larry and happy with our decision to wear layers. 4 steps from the bus door at the foot of the hills, and I got the same feeling I had halfway through our week long walk in Tasmania when we realised we didn't have enough food... "oh shit!"

My friends, to say that it was cold would be factually incorrect. To say that it was unbelievably mind numbingly cold to the point where my cheeks were burning and i held genuine fears for the well being of my finger tips would be more accurate and yet an injustice to the crazy Chinese people who live in Northern China and deal with winds so cold their lungs freeze. Lets just say that for an Aussie traveller, unaccustomed to true cold, it was F*CKING FREEZING. In fact, this of how cold it was:

That's right... layers, god damn layers. The layers were so ineffective i took the extra 'layer' that i had in my bag in case of emergencies (ha!) and used it to make the quality face mask you see above. This mask was the only thing that stopped the burning sensation on my cheeks (yes my friends, that's even through the ginger beard!) although it did nothing to stop the burning in my eyes.

I know what you thinking, we should have gotten back on the bus and gone home. But where would the world be today is Sir Edmund had simply turned tail and ran the first time he discovered that his water bottle, keep inside his bag had frozen solid within about 30 minutes of arrival!!! I mean seriously! (this actually happened, not to Sir Edmund, at least not as far as i am aware, but to Skye, the water bottle was frozen, frozen... think about that... did i mention frozen)

No no, we went there to climb and climb we did. The walk was actually really lovely the scenery was nice and for the first time we were able to see Beijing from a distance without the noise, pollution and general rubbish that normally pollutes the senses in this town. I have to say the place is massive.

I think its difficult to explain to anyone that hasn't experienced Beijing but for the first time in 5 months I heard birds! that's right I heard a noise that was sourced from a non-man made construction... its was amazing.

'twas also amazing that i could still hear at all, my ears, by this stage, were almost completely numb. Poor Skye's ears, on the other hand, were nearly bleeding because I had spent a good part of an hour whinging about the lack of a big jacket and exactly who was to blame for that misunderstanding! I think secretly she wished I hadn't created the face mask and my mouth had gone numb...

Despite natures attempt to kill us (and Skye's attempt to kill me for being such a whinger), we survived the climb and enjoyed the view at the top for about 3 minutes, until a prolonged gust of wind almost cut us clean in half, and we descended.

The view from the top, and the freezing gust of wind causing the 'something about mary' moment.

On the way down, Skye noticed little patches of black ice on the pathway. These little patches were dangerous but more interestingly were seemingly patches of water in a town where there isn't even any humidity, let alone the chance of sporadic rain, then it dawned on us, it wasn't black ice, it was green ice! they were little hockers that the Chinese tourists had left behind... dirty bastards!

Although any budding scientists out there may be able to calculate the actual temperature for us by establishing the freezing point of snot! gross.

Of course, like everything here in Beijing, the fun was actually just beginning. We made it back to the bus stop, freezing, eyes stingy and waiting desperately for the heat of the bus. However, the first sign that something was wrong was when I noticed that the Michelin Man had retired from advertising and taken a little job driving a Beijing bus. The driver had, and I am not making this up:

A woollen beanie -

ear warmers -

a scarf -

at least two 'heavy jackets' -

ski gloves

and the icing on the ridiculous cake - leg warmers on his forearms.

This was not good. We spent an hour in a fridge with wheels. The bus was actually colder than outside because, fearful of catching the flu, some idiots had opened the windows (no doubt the same idiots that drop hockers all over the place, because spitting couldn't possibly contribute to disease!)

We sat there in a hypothermic stupor, wondering whether we would actually survive, for a whole hour, until 1km from the subway station (and a place with guaranteed heat) the bus stopped and the conductor motioned for us all to get out!!!

Ah well we thought, the walk will warm us up. Will it hell. By this stage the sun was down, and the weather had turned nasty, it was freezing and windy, the wind chill must have been peaking (pardon the pun) at about -15 or even -20. Because of the bus trip we had no heat left in our bodies and I was really starting to get concerned. We both looked at each other and with a knowing smile (we couldn't talk by this stage, everything was broken) we ran!!!! we ran like the wind smashing into us to the safety of the subway and warmth.

I was just happy to have survived. Skye crashed out in the train and was an exhausted mess for the rest of the night. I'd like to say I was different, but that ain't the case. Who knew that the cold could sap energy like that!

All in all, it was a great day. Skye enjoyed it, and it was the adventure that we had hoped it would be on her Birthday. I think maybe next time though, we'll accept he burden on possibly having to carrying our heavy coats!!!

Here's a few picks of the place...

Chinese Toilets Part One: Hutong

2008-10-28T16:04:00.003+08:00

You knew it was only a matter of time...

OK picture the scene, its early autumn, the air is warm, the sun soft and a light breeze is blowing through the hutong (alleyway), knocking the first leaves of the autumn shed off the trees and onto the street. The picture is lovely, old Chinese men and woman sitting about chatting, young children playing, street vendors selling their wares.

Of course, i haven't noticed any of this because for the last 45 minutes on the subway home from work I have been doing my best Zen Buddhist impersonations to stop myself from wetting my pants! I was absolutely busting beyond anything you can imagine. Half-way through the hutong my bladder gave me a choice, either find a toilet NOW!!!!! or you'll be walking the remaining ten minutes with wet trousers...

Ok, ok, so I've been in China for 3 months now, I've walked through the hutong to the subway maybe 100 times, and I know that every 10 metres there is a public toilet. I know this, not just because I have seen people entering the buildings carrying toilet paper, but because, as you can imagine, in 40 degree heat with that many public toilets in a small area, well, lets just say there is a fragrance that is unmistakable.

I have avoided using these toilets, firstly because they bloody stink, and secondly they are frequented by locals. You see most Hutong houses don't have bathrooms, and so these public toilets aren't so much public as they are communal.

Anyway, so there I stand, either use the hutong toilet, or piss my pants. The choice was obvious...

But given that the sun was still up, and because I'm foreign people tend to notice me, I couldn't wet myself. The hutong toilet it was!

As I entered I realised that rather than using doors, the toilets are designed with a couple of little hallways that turn back on themselves, that way, no one has to touch a filthy door handle, and no-one on the street can see in the toilet area. Upon entering the main chamber, I was almost completely overwhelmed by the stink. I had to close my eyes for a few minutes to stop myself from passing out.

When I opened them, my bladder noticed the urinals on the wall in front of me, and without going into too much detail, I was thankful that I was wearing trousers with a zip and not button fly jeans.

While I was standing there I heard a friendly,

"Ni Hao" (hello)

from behind me. I couldn't turn fully around for obvious reasons, so I just turn my head as far as I could without peeing on the floor, (not sure why this bothered me, the place smelt like someone washed the floor with pee!) but there was no one there... in fact, there was nothing there, nothing at all.

I finished up and turned around properly, again no one there. Unfortunately, before my conscious mind could process what was happening and where the sound was coming from my eyes had already looked down.

staring back at me, in the sort of amazement locals that haven't seen a foreigner up close get, was a lovely chap in full squat, half-way through laying a cable. Toilet paper in one hand, cigarette in the other.

I hadn't noticed due to the smell when I first arrived, but the main chamber was just that, a room about 6 metres by 6 metres, tiled from floor to ceiling and completely empty except the 4 squat toilets in the floor and two urinals on the walls. No cubicles, no sinks, not even an ashtray!!

Oh and not to mention the lovely chap, who by now was finishing off his business and ready to leave with me.

I left, relieved and a little shocked.

I don't know why i was so shocked by it. For many Chinese (usually older or poorer) communal toilets are just a way of life. They don't think about it; at all. Why should they? Why would you waste your thinking on something everyone does, everyday.

Furthermore, who cares if someone is with you while your shitting? I mean really, what sort of weirdo would want to watch someone else take a crap? seriously, you simple go in, do your business and leave. enough said.

How different we are in the west. I can't even poo at work if I hear someone enter the bathroom... and I'm locked, safe and anonymous in a cubicle!! I think the Chinese have it right:

firstly - squat - its healthier for your bowels, and there is no skin contact with any surface
secondly - communal - as the saying goes, 'a community that shits together stays together'

Just to confirm, I have since used several public toilets in china, and none have even come close to the hutong in terms of their communal nature or their smell. All public toilets stink, but that toilet on that day, was something else.

Furthermore, this decline in communal style toilets in China is actually a bad thing. The more they move to more western privacy style toilets, the more they will lose sight of the equality of all people, and so the more they will strive to have more and more, striving to keep up with the Jones's. This will be the end of us all!!

For as the great philosopher Montaigne so eloquently stated,

"Even kings shit!"

anyway, sermon and funny story over!

'Get the Beers In' suffer first loss in 12 games

2008-10-28T15:39:00.005+08:00

Well I guess the dream run had to come to an end eventually. After a horrific start to last season, we managed to put a string of wins together up there with the mighty Gers 9 in a row. We were unstoppable, but due to the short season and the general rubbishness of the bottom and middle teams we were unable to catch the two teams ahead of us on the table. So we missed promotion to the top flight by 2 points. An absolute tragedy for our fans... well ok, our fan base consists of 5 members, who it is rumoured are also the team members... but nevertheless it was hard to take.

So, we have just started the new season, and buoyed by our previous success we opened the season with a 6-1 drumming of the 'China Sports Daily' team. you'd think a team made up of sports reporters would be ok... you'd be wrong.

Then we played our new rivals, 'the azzurri', now I know what you're thinking, bloody Italians. But in fact they are a team of 6 or 7 Chinese guys, all of which can play, and at least two of which have a tight perm leading into a delicious mullet.

This is a long season, and we will play everyone twice, but again the middle to lower ranks are rubbish, so its a bit like the SPL, its a two team race, and who draws first blood has the advantage.

The ref (who is a lovely bloke) pulled me aside before the match and said something cryptic in half English half Chinese. I had no idea what he was talking about, so he made it very clear...

"they are very good, they will win"

Yeah thanks mate! I said.

10 minutes in, their lightening pace and ball control meant they were all over us, but we held firm. Shot after shot, we held.

Then, in true poachers style, we nicked a goal. Vere, our giant English midfielder-cum-defender-cum-striker, was in the right place at the right time to slot away a deflected cross.

1-0, and the perm brigade started to panic.

Moments later, Aubrey, our Dutch super star, was wedged between two players about 5 metres out from goal, a third defender was approaching (Chinese do not hack, like Aussies and Brits), so he rolled the ball left as if he was going to try and break through, but half way through the roll, dropped his foot back, and toe poked it at goal...

2-0, and the perms were starting to frizz. I wink at the ref, and give him a big, 'stick that up your arse smile'

After the break they started to get nasty: lots of hacks, and verbal abuse. There's a funny thing, they would slag us in Chinese, we'd slag them in English, neither knew what was being said, but both knew it was nasty... its quite nice, you can't snap in case they aren't talking about you, but you still get fired up, in case they are!

5 minutes to go, and the wheels well and truly fell off the Beers. Two lucky long range curlers put them equal. Then, 1 minute from time, the head perm and trash talking ring leader, looses a shot that Georg "The Hammer" Albertz would have been proud of, and...

2-3 the perms go wild. And the ref winks at me and gives me the 'i told you so' smile... prick!

Getting beat was bad enough, but after he scored, the head perm ran around us yelling:

"win-ah, win-ah, we win-ah"

Devastating. It took me two days to get over it... but never fear as they say in the classics...

NO SURRENDER

we'll beat them next time round and hopefully win the comp on goal difference!

Update and stuff

2008-10-21T14:45:00.003+08:00

I've been copping a little flack in the comments section about having posts with just pictures and no words. Naturally I take these comments positively and assume that you all love my magical writing so much and are merely disappointed with the lack of words. So much for a picture saying a thousand words!

Anyway this post is an update, and an update is what you'll get....in words.

Let's start with the lovely Skye. She's great! Irritatingly her Chinese language ability far outweighs mine. She just has a knack for proper pronunciation, which, as you may be aware is all that really matters in Chinese. For example, the sound mei (may), means either buy or sell depending on the tone used. This obviously can create confusion when suddenly the shopkeeper wonders why a foreigner wants to sell her a bottle of water.

Overall I think i've learnt more chinese from Skye than from my chinese teacher!

Skye's job is touch and go at the moment, whilst I'll leave the details up to Skye, essentially she has very little work to do. I can hear many out there saying, 'lucky her', but the reality is that Skye is trying to build her career and its not being helped by doing nothing of any importance, and dealing with a knob of a boss (he's a German Australian cross, and a strange man!) But there are positives of course. She is heading out on a field trip later this week, I can't pronounce where she is going, so I have no hope of spelling it. Its somewhere in Western China though, and it means an opportunity for her to see some of countryside and get out of Beijing for a while.

What's next, ahhh, me of course! It was only a matter of time until I turned my self-indulgent blog back on myself..... Well I am good. As i mentioned my language skills are ok, but i struggle with pronunciation. But then I can't pronounce many English words correctly so I'm not sure what i expected. We all remember, everybuddy! Having said that, I'm also keen to give it a go, and being an English teacher I am also able to demonstrate or sign just about any word. Seriously, if only I could go back in time 60 years, I'd give Charlie Chaplin a run for his money. The combination of bad Chinese and good sign language means I get my meaning across, even if most Chinese people think I'm crazy.

Talking of crazy I have taught my high level students two new and very important English phrases:

"Are you mental?" and
"You are a Muppet!"

Nothing makes me happier than after I have done some bizarre demonstration, or created some crazy game, to hear the kiddies say, 'are you mental?". I'm even laughing now with the thought.

teaching is bloody great. Sure its fun and the kids are great, but I also have the ability to shape young minds, which sounds tacky but its true and important. Often the kids first and main contact with the foreign is with me. If I act weird or strange, they may well believe all foreigners are weird and strange. Its a lot of pressure, but its great. For example, I was recently teaching a class about Famous and Infamous. They gave me a million people that were famous, all Chinese sporting hero's and actors, but they couldn't think of any for infamous, so I helped them out.......... George W Bush! Yay...

As an aside, did you know the Chinese name for George W Bush, in pinyin (the translation from chinese characters to English letters) is 'Bu Shi' (pronounced Boo Sure). Sounds just like 'Bush' with a chinese accent when you say it. This sounds also means, 'Not right'. Bu is not, and Shi is yes or right.

So when he is introduced, he is being introduced as President Not Right. A fair estimation of the man I believe.

I have been reliably informed that this double meaning is not intended, as the actual characters for Bush are not the same as the characters for not correct, they just sound the same. Still in a country where they believe the number 4 is bad luck because it sounds like the word for death, I can't believe they didn't get the joke when the translated his name!

Here's another nice teaching story, that doesn't involve me warping the young minds of Chinese students:

At the end of every small stars class (under 6's) we have to write in what we call the children's Passports. Its just like a weekly report card. I normally write things like, 'Well done Eric, good effort', or if the kid is naughty, "wow, Frank, you have lots of energy", The kid can't understand, and either can the parents, but we do it anyway. As well as writing comments, we also give the kids stickers. Stickers to a Chinese child are extremely important, they are a status symbols and are not be to taken lightly. I found this out first hand, when a little girl, Katherine, got to the front of the passport line, but didn't have her passport. I was forced to send her away sticker-less. I obviously very nicely said, ask your mum where your passport is and come back', well, this was clearly unacceptable, and she opened a barrage of Chinese on me like no other. Absolute nonstop abuse, until her face turned red. This was made worse when I said, "Wo Ting Bu Dong" which means, "I can hear you, but can't understand", I thought she was going to stab me. Meanwhile the other kids, sensing that my life on this earth was coming to an end, were rushing to get their stickers before Katherine killed me with her bare hands.

Filthy on the world and especially me, Katherine spun around and marched out, no doubt to tell her mum that the hairy monster refused to give her a sticker (or in fact the several stickers she deserved for behaving impeccably all class). When she returned she had her mum in toe. Katherine was fuming and her mum was ashen faced as if she too had copped a barrage of abuse. He mother explained that she and not Katherine was to blame for the missing passport and was it possible for Katherine to have a sticker anyway, and placed on her hand. I gave Katherine a sticker, and as if my magic, the anger dissipated, she smiled, gave me a hug and said Bye Bye.

Never, and I mean never, get between a Chinese kid and a sticker. Its not worth it.

Well folks that's about all I got for now. I am planning on writing some retrospective stories about the Great Wall incident, and a few others things that have been going on, but they will have to wait sorry.

Photo's

2008-10-13T12:28:00.007+08:00

Here's a whole bunch of photo's of Beijing to give you a feel for the place. Enjoy

Outside the Forbidden City, Tiananmen Square:

The Boss

'Nut Bush City Limits'

The Forbidden City:

Forbidden my arse...

Its huge!

No room for subtley in China...

The lovely Skye taking great photo's.

Check out the blue sky... if you check my previous blog you may see the picture but with a slightly different 'aura'.

The Great Wall:
The wall is very cool. Its also bloody every where. This section is probably the best, because as you can see its almost tourist free!!! There is a story that goes with our visit to the wall, I just haven't had time to pen it. It involves mysterious touts, crazy cab drivers, getting fleeced and at least one near death experience...

Only two shots, the pollution was bad during our visit!

Our House:

Pretty nice, huh!

Our View:

These photo's were taken during the Olympics... hence no cars... the story is very different now!

Hot Springs

2008-09-19T10:02:00.004+08:00

Thanks to my work, I spent Tuesday afternoon relaxing at the Beijing No 8 hot springs! what a place, it is the perfect picture of opulence. Marble, lush fabrics expensive couches, all manner of spas, sauna's, steam rooms, man beauty products (including milk and honey massages). What a place and all for nixs.

Of course, like all things Chinese, this place is not for the faint of heart. I mean I'm no stranger to weird situations surrounding hot springs, after all I have been party to the weird 'cleanliness' assessments at the Blue Lagoon in Iceland, but this takes the cake.

The hot springs are all nude. Something I only discovered after the change room attendant not only informed me casually, 'bath, no clothes, no clothes', but also decided to he would assist me in striping naked by pulling off my pants for me... very weird. Obviously I was slightly taken a back by this hands on approach, and so flustered kind of bolted from the attendants reach into the hot springs area, only to be chased by him waving a pair of cotton 'hygienic' undies above his head. Needless to say the other very naked Chinese men in the spring thought this hilarious, and then thought it side splitingly funny when the attend then proceeded, without clear consent I may add, to dress me in the cotton undies!!!

Ahh well, I thought, its too late now, and let's face it, there's no way I'm saving face, so undies firming attached I plunged into the pool. It was bloody fantastic. The mineralised water makes you feel instantly refreshed...

I then proceeded to take advantage of all the freebies:

sauna - apparently Hot is not enough in china, this sauna must have had a direct feed from the sun... it was face meltingly hot.

steam room - I don't even know what I was thinking. After the sauna I could barely stand, the steam room was a small room filled from the floor to the ceiling in molten lava pretending to be steam. The problem was once you entered you couldn't see anything and because the steam is so hot, it burns your lungs and nose, then slowly your hair feels like its on fire... its bloody horrible.

I entered the room with my boss (who conveniently speaks Chinese and was able to tell his attendant that there was no chance he was wearing anything but his swimmers!!!! bastard) Although the attendant got the last laugh, because upon entering the steam room, and feeling himself being set alight, he panicked and became disorientated... he almost started to cry with panic as he screamed... where's the door, the door, ahhh my lungs... where's the f*cking door... He was rescued by the omnipresent attendant, who incidentally had the largest smile I have ever seen on a Chinese persons face... it was great.

Flesh eating fish pool - That's no typo, you may have heard of this. The pool is about the size of a standard spa, but it is filled with millions of small fish about the size of pen lid, which fairly obviously, love nothing more than sucking the dead skin off human bodies. It is singly the strangest experience I've had since being in china!! At first it's just wrong, you spend the first 5 minutes sayings, ah, ah, get them off, get them off, then after a while you relax into it, and it just feels like a light pins and needles.... all over your body. Until of course you loose concentration and make the dreaded mistake of looking down... The sight you are confronted with is stuff of nightmares... millions of little creatures attached to your body... everywhere and I mean everywhere, biting and nibbling... its a just weird. But after about 20 minutes, my skin felt fantastic, even my feet (possible the driest in all china) were perfectly exfoliated!!! You have to try it!

Shower time - That's right you guessed it, after about 2 hours in the springs we all decided to retire to the restaurant for a meal, and then to the relaxation room... a massive room with individual lounges and individual flat screen TV's with millions of movies available. But before that the attendant insists that you shower. No drama, off comes the the nappy and i step into the shower recess, when I am pushed back by the attendant, who quickly turns on the water, and makes me wait until the temperature is perfect for me. heaven forbid I injure myself with water that is too hot or worse too cold. I then had to utter the following words, i kid you not...

"no thank you, I will be washing myself today" - I had the instant thought of Eddy Murphy in 'coming to america' except more manly... no thanks.

So i wash myself using some of the most extravagant soaps and shampoo's, then I step out to be greeted again by the ever faithful attendant who is holding the towel open... I take the towel and dry myself, something I notice after looking around is unusual here. Most men are standing still while the attend drys them... I appreciate that up until 20 years ago, all men were equal, and so now some are living it up by allowing others to wait on them...but some things are a solo operation!

What a day, and what an experience! If you ever get a chance to experience a Chinese, or Korean or Japanese hot spring, take it... its fantastic.

Beijing Zoo or Concentration Camp

2008-09-16T10:47:00.005+08:00

Fortunately for us, we both had Monday off. Unfortunately, we decided to go to the Beijing Zoo. Words can not describe the horror of the zoo. All zoo's are bad, but this was just the next level of abuse, cruelty and using animals as play things.

Don't get me wrong, some of the enclosures are OK. for example the panda's seem relatively happy in their concrete enclosures munching away on bamboo shoots. And they did have at least one big cat enclosure that looked OK (as you can see below),but the problem is that they have 1 decent enclosure for big cats, but about 10 cats; tigers, lions and a leopard. So it seems they only let one cat out at a time. The others are kept in a viewing hall that looks like the sheep exhibit at the royal Easter show, except the sheep are in bigger pens. Most of the cats could barely move in the their cells, most if not all had hunched backs from the the lack of movement, and when looking into their eyes, only the hardest of hearts could not feel their pain.

Naturally like all zoo's, this one was filled to the brim with knob heads, that don't care about the conditions, they just want the perfect photo of the beast... hence they scream out, yell, bang the bars with bottles to get the animals attention. It was f*cked in the worst possible way.

At one point I was actually praying to the god of lions, that the guy who was laughing as he ran his bottle across the bars would slip and his arm would fall between the bars and the Lion would have at least one moment of joy in his horrible existence by ripping the pricks arm off. If it had happened I would have burst out laughing, and taken hundreds of photo's of the prick bleeding to death.

So, now that you know how I really feel, i have included some photo's below of animals that looked mildly happy. However, I even feel guilty showing these because I feel like I have made those animals life worse by taking part in that horrible display.

Relaxing China Style

2008-09-16T09:37:00.016+08:00

As you may or may not know, the Chinese people absolutely love a public holiday. They have millions of them for various reasons, some logical, some less so. As it turns out, Sunday was one of the 'less so' ones. According to the lunar calendar Sunday was mid-autumn festival day, and as a result a public holiday.

The significance of this holiday is not important, what is important is that my school gave me sunday off and Skye's work gave her Monday off, these facts coupled with our regular days off meant that for the first time since arriving in Beijing Skye and I had two days off together. Hoorah!

We decided to spend the sunday relaxing Chinese style, as a result, we headed off to the nearest public park and just wandered about on the concrete paths and admired the perfectly manicured lawns (which must be landmined because no-one and I mean NO-ONE ever breaches the santurary of the path and steps on the grass) and lovely old trees.

The park we chose is particularly famous as it is on the only hill in all of Beijing. Naturally the hill was man made in the 1400 by an emperor who fancied a panoramic view of his city and people (that is of course when he was allowed to venture out of the Forbidden City, and across the road to the park.)

The place, as you can see from the photo's is both beautiful and busy.

But not just busy with people having picnics (there are no picnics because you can't walk on the god damn grass!) and maybe playing a bit of footy or something. No the park is filled with people doing what the Chinese love to do when the get any spare time... Karaoke!

As far as we could tell there were at least 7 different Karaoke set-ups, ranging from traditional opera with live bands, to weird Asian pop rubbish. Some had dancers, like this photo, others had these great picture boards with the music and the words to help out the singer.

It obviously goes without saying, however, you'll notice from the picture below that it was not just singing karaoke, but also instrumental, the elbow you see is a guy belting out everyone's favourite traditional tune on the chinese version of the violin.

Whilst I am being somewhat flipant about the Chinese love affair with Karaoke, I have to say it was bloody fantastic. Chinese people know how to have a good time. they don't get bogged down with all the rubbish about what others think, or how they look, they don't worry very much about silly ego issues at all, instead they throw caution to the wind and get up there, sing, dance or play instruments.

I can't help but think that at some stage in history, the Chinese must have had some contact with the Scots, because they share two great loves, singing in public places and getting roaringly drunk... not always in that order.

Before you ask, whilst I was invited several times to sing... after flipping through the song book I was simply unable to find 'I think we're alone now' by Tiffany, and so, whilst tempted I had to decline. However, Skye did flirt with the idea of trying out a bit of instrumental karaoke, as evidenced by the photo to my right, however, whilst she is very good on the gord flute (and I mean that seriously... those clarinet lessons were usuful after all!) we were unable to find a set up that needed an extra gord flutist and alas, Skye chance of 15 minutes of fame went begging.

However, she did managed to bargain the guy down to a decent price and so is now the proud owner of that very gord flute... of course we may both end up with Hep A, after the guy 'demonstrated' how to play it several times... But hey, its China!

Overall the park was bloody fantastic. We spent several hours just wandering around, listening to the karaoke, watching about 100 people ballroom dance (yes i know its random) there was even a 'speakers' corner where a few older blokes were chewing the ears of anyone that would listen. Luckily for us we couldn't understand a word they were saying. Although interestingly, some people were obviously saying things that were controversial because they were speaking very softly and the listeners were gathered around close. Having said that, we are in China, so speaking out about a controversial subject probably means slagging the very boring, heavily chinese focussed olympic games coverage (oops, this blog may get blocked after that comment....)

I shall leave you now with a few photo's of the park... enjoy.

Pollution? What Pollution?

Ahhhh... that pollution!

5-a-side Soccer

2008-09-13T17:55:00.005+08:00

That's right my friends, I have joined a 5 a side soccer team. Well actually I am a founding member!!!! This may turn out to be an important factor when we go on to win the Mastercard Beijing Club Soccer League (division two). Or when they realise i'm rubbish and try and oust me!!!

The team is truly international. They consist of:

Me - obviously
Kang - an Australian guy who used to work at my school, but has since landed a very sweet job in an international school teaching P.E
Aubrey - a Dutch teacher, who also happens to be Kang's boss.
Dave - A Glaswegian science teacher
Rio - An Australian Tennis coach - no-one really knows him, or even knows why he's in the team, but hey, its China, randomness is the only way.
Antonio - A Spanish science teacher.
Josh - An Englishmen who occasionally turns up, gets into fights then disappears for a few weeks

Individually we are weak, but together, we join forces to become the irrepressible - 'Get the beers in'

I should point out that the Mastercard Club Football comp is not some mickey mouse operation like the Tempe indoor I used to play.

Firstly, its outdoor. The pitch is FIFA approved synthetic grass (the you know the really cool stuff that is like little plastic blades of grass).

Secondly, they have real referees and monetary fines for yellow and red cards. Its rumoured that a red card will see you suspended for 1 week and fined upwards of 300 yuan (AUD50).

Thirdly, because most of the teams are expats its like a world cup every week. Italians playing dirty and sneaking wins in the last minute, Chinese diving, and Russians threatening to kill people's families... its bloody great!

So, now that I have clearly explained that the comp is serious, you won't be surprised to hear that in order to join the comp we needed to play two trial matches to have our level assessed. After the trial matches we quickly sent off a late entry form for the paralympics 5 a side comp, but unfortunately, whilst the organisers felt for our situation, they explained that firstly a team must consist of 8 members from the same country, and secondly being unco-ordinated is not yet considered a disability!! HA! bureaucracy gone mad!

After the trials we were placed in the South League division two.

By some miracle (some of the other teams are suggesting by design) we are a better team than the trials showed. We have since played 4 league matches (we play double headers every Tuesday night!) won 2 and lost 2, we are sitting in 5th place in a comp of 8. Sounds bad but we are only 2 points off second place, and in fact, 2 wins tonight will see us move into second place!

to quote escape to victory, "Hatch, Hatch, we can win this."

Oh did i mention that last week, it was pouring with rain, and we only had 4 players!!! we managed to hold the very fancied Italian team to 1-1 right until the dying moments when they got a lucky goal (always the way, bloody Italians!) and then we absolutely poleaxed a Chinese team 4-0.

Stay posted ladies and gentlemen, because I can sense a league win for 'Get the Beers in'.

Exotic Foods list

2008-09-10T16:09:00.002+08:00

All of the below were delicious... once i overcame the very strange consistencies!

Duck's tongue - you have to try this!!! get yourselves to China Town asap
Duck's blood - take it leave it
Donkey - this was surprisingly very nice. Like beef except more gamey
Eel - just a another type of fish
Kidney - I've now had various kinds, i can assure you a cow's kidney tastes similar to a pigs
Cow's intestine - Doesn't taste like anything, and has consistency of rubber. With a good sauce its lovely
Frog - strange one this, their ain't much meat on those tiny legs!

The list is growing stay tuned

Update

2008-08-28T15:50:00.001+08:00

Well, it feels like so much has happened since my last email, and at the same time as if nothing has! I have been working, a lot. 6 days a week to be exact. Although it’s hard to think of it as work, firstly because I haven’t been paid yet, and secondly because it’s so much fun. The kids are just great. I am now teaching the full range of ages, from 3 to 15. I have 4 classes of my own, and I am also teaching 2 ‘summer camp’ classes and two VIP’s (that’s right 1 on 1’s). It sounds like a lot, but I only teach the VIPs and my own classes once a week. I teach the summer camp 3 times a week, but that’s only for 1 more week. After summer, I’ll have it pretty easy. I’ll only be actually teaching 3.5 days a week, the rest will be either off or ‘planning days’ which is teacher code for day off. The only bummer is that my 3.5 days are Thursday, Friday Saturday and Sunday. But you have to take the good with the bad.

To give you a basic idea of what it’s like teaching English over here, i’ll give you a quick summary of my lesson plan for my ‘small stars’ (kids 3-5 years old). The class runs for 1.5 hours, I spend about 45 minutes of that playing Head shoulders knees and toes, then ring a ring a rosie, then I like to do about 10 minutes of Star Jumps (all the time introducing new concepts in English, for example, stand up, fall down, sit down, run over there, come here, numbers letters etc). Usually by then, the kids are starting to tire, and I am close to vomiting from the exercise. So its song time, we sing some horrible song, like, “1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 and 10, Hello again!” there is close to no tune and the music is just irritating but the kiddies love it. Then I hit them with the hard work. That’s right my friends I don’t care if they are 3, my class isn’t all fun and games... actually that’s not true, I normally spend the rest of the time, playing games with picture cards, hide and seek, twister etc. By the end of the 1.5 hours, the kids have been exposed to English, and can understand a little more, maybe even say a few new words, and I am completely stuffed, but happy!

oh, I forgot the puppets. Yes, yes, stop laughing, I too have trouble picturing we sitting crossed legged in front of 6 kids, having a conversation with a puppet. But i'll have you know that Mr Tiger is a lovely bloke, and surprising has an Australian accent. The kiddies go bloody mental for it. They know Mr Tiger is just me with a sock on my hand, but they don't care!!! Ahhh so much fun, and they pay me for this! (Hopefully anyway, refer opening paragraph!) So, what else is happening... Ahh, I bought a push bike today! That’s right my friends, I am now one of the masses. It’s great, I spared no expense and bought the best brand new bike, AUD50 can buy! It’s beautiful, it looks identical to the far more expensive foreign brand ‘Giant’, except it’s made from Chinese parts! I bloody love it; I’ve been out all day today just cruising about. When I get a chance i’ll take some pictures and send them through.

I have also confirmed that my bargaining skills are rubbish. I’m like the guy in monty python’s ‘Life of Brian’. This is how the exchange went (oh, he didn’t speak English, but he had a translation program on his computer, so imagine the below exchange, but with him typing, pulling a face then stepping back so I can type! It was like a Helen Keller convention!):

“It’s a great bike, good quality and good price, 350 yuan” he typed (read said)
“Ok, sounds good I’ll take it” I said and typed
“Yes, I know it sounds expensive but the price of Steel has gone up” he said
“that’s nice, I’ll take it.” Says I
“Ok, ok, i’ll throw in a free basket.” He says
“ cool, a free basket, I’ll take it” i say
“alright, you win, I’ll throw in a free lock and basket, for 350”
“ok, i’ll take it”
“sold!”

It was unbelievable, at one point I thought HE was going to ‘walk away’, only for me to chase after him and convince him I want to pay full price. Yes, yes, I know what you’re thinking, a basket! What a big poof. But the reality is a bicycle without a basket is like a bum without a hole; sure it looks great, but it’s not very practical!

I mean seriously, you can’t expect me to hang my fruit and vegies on the handlebars for the 5 minute ride home!

Chinese Medical

2008-08-26T15:37:00.001+08:00

After settling into my new job (code for working my butt off within 15 minutes of getting off the plane) my employer duly informs me that in order to obtain my foreign expert certificate and so remain in Beijing longer than 30 days, I need to undergo a full Chinese medical. They take pains to ensure me that the process is very basic and should only take a few minutes, so if I could make arrangements with the visa officer-cum-translator-cum-guide that would be great.

Obviously, I don’t have any problem with this new request, after all, anything that means I can stay in Beijing longer that 30 days is a good thing, right?

What my employer failed to mention was that quite possibly the hardest part of the medical would be finding the hospital! The visa officer was gracious enough to agree to meet me at a nearby subway station to escort me to the hospital, however, she failed to mention that the particular subway station in question may have more than one ‘exit B’! After spending nearly 20 minutes playing the ‘how can you be at exit B, if I’m at exit B and you’re not here’ game, we eventually met up and made our way to the aforementioned medical facility.

At the hospital things seemed pretty easy, I filled out all the forms, and started making my way around the various rooms. You see in China, going for a medical is like the gym. You stand around waiting for the particular doctor to be free to do the individual examinations. Heaven forbid a Doctor should branch out a take both your height and check your vision at the same time! Chaos would reign.

I was making good progress moving from room to room. Weight was ok, height was ok. My vision raised some questions (not because I’m blind but because the sight board is in some sort of bizarre characters! How do you say in Chinese; ‘I can see it I just don't know what it’s called’?) The chest x-ray was ok; they made me wear a pair of very trendy lead underpants, only. Apparently cancer in the balls is bad, but cancer of the head is no problem! The blood test was my usual; disappearing veins. The Chinese nurses must get trained in the Sydney blood bank, 'if you miss the vein, don’t panic just move the needle around in the patients arm until the blood appears.’ Ouch!

Then I come to the final, dreaded, internal examination. Now, at the time I had no idea what that meant, but the only thought going through my mind was; looks like I’m taking one for the team here (if you're picking up what I’m putting down).So I enter the room and all is well, the Doctor says;

“Ni hao”
“Ni hao” I respond hesitantly, wondering what the Chinese for, ‘take off your pants and bend over is’, and hoping he doesn't say it.

He motions for me to lift up my shirt. He looks at my stomach, nods all official like, and prods me several times hard in the stomach. I'm thinking, is that the internal examination, or is he just stretching his fingers, so as not to injure his tendons when I bend over. Then the dreaded signal, turn around, he motions something about my belt, oh no, this is it, the moment of truth... Then he says in shockingly bad English for a Doctor;

'America?'
“No, no” I say, “Australia.” But he doesn’t seem to comprehend.
“bu, bu” I exclaim, “Aodaliya, Aodaliya” panic has well and truly set in at this point.

I don't mind baring my arse to this guy, he is a doctor after all, I don't even mind if he wants to stick his fingers up my arse, HE IS A DOCTOR, right? but if he has to do it, I don't want him thinking I’m American, and so doing it angry. Nooooo, I want him to be happy and relaxed. RELAXED! I’m almost screaming now, “Aodaliya, Aodaliya”, and desperately searching for my translator, (you see the Chinese idea of privacy is having a medical exam in a small room with the door wide open and 20 foreigners and Chinese staring at you). Finally, the doctor (well the dude in the white coat, clearly implying he is a doctor, but by now I’m not convinced) says with a big smile;

“Ahhhh, Aodaliya... no problem, finish finish”

For the first time during the 5 minute exchange I relax my sphincter, stand up and almost run out. I found out later he was looking for surgery scars and had no intention of inserting a digit in my date. Thank god! It seems that according to Chinese doctors all Americans are fat, unhealthy beasts that are always moments from death, and so more than likely will be covered in surgery scars; a somewhat harsh judgment in my opinion.

Anyway, the moral of the story, and there is always a lesson to be learned, is;

1) Always make your nationality known. If you happened to be an American (not that there’s anything wrong with that!), say you're Canadian; and,

2) Just relax and take a deep breath, it will only take a moment.